Wedding for Asylum Seeking African Lesbian Couple at San Francisco City Hall

Calling on San Francisco and U.S.A. LGBT community for support as persecuted lesbian couple seeking asylum plan their marriage

By Melanie Nathan, March 30, 2015

Mari and Cara watch on at San Francisco City as another couple gets married
Mari and Cara watch on at San Francisco City as another couple gets married

After years on the run a young lesbian couple from an African country, surviving terrifying persecution, miraculously made their way to San Francisco where they are seeking asylum.  They will no longer be waiting in the wings as their dream to marry will soon be realized.

The lesbian couple from Angola, who fled for their lives back in 2012, finally made their way to the United States, after years in limbo and a long harrowing journey. While seeking asylum, they are planning a wedding at San Francisco City Hall, for later in April. They may be the first asylum seeking lesbian couple to marry at San Francisco City Hall.

Through many months of their hell I bore personal witness to some of their persecution. We would connect on Skype and I would see the mayhem outside their apartment window, where crowds of neighbors would gather, calling for their demise.

Back in 2012, I wrote an article, “Lesbian Couple Under Siege Flee African Country,”  and this is an update to that story.

Choosing the wedding spot
Choosing the wedding spot

Mari and Cara fell in love over seven years ago. Their outing, first amongst family members, turned into many years of persecution, the story often too painful for them to repeat.

Their arrival in San Francisco, with no money and only 2 weeks of accommodation, may be what has saved their lives, yet the challenges ahead are daunting.

Asylum seekers can only apply for a work permit after six months from the date of the filing of their asylum application. It usually takes at least 3 months to find pro bono legal services and then at least 1 to 2 months to prepare the cases for filing.

Mari and Cara have been surviving on the generosity of a few community members – but it is not nearly enough to cover their immediate and urgent needs.

Over the past few months we have managed to find ad hoc temporary accommodation through the generosity of my local community both in San Francisco and West Marin County, to include that of a gay filmmaker, a gay couple in San Francisco and 2 straight Jewish families who provided host accommodations in West Marin County.

They have also now been provided with top notch pro bono legal representation from attorneys at the Cooley Law firm, who have agreed to take both of their asylum cases without charge.

Mari and Cara at Harvey Milk bust at San Francisco City Hall.
Mari and Cara at Harvey Milk bust at San Francisco City Hall.

We all know that our LGBTI brothers and sisters are persecuted in Africa. What many may not realize is the fact that there are very little mechanisms in place to help people to exile. There was very little help to escape the extreme situation suffered by Mari and Cara; and now very little in the way of resources to resettle here in the Bay Area.

After I first met the couple, and as a witness to their siege, I sought the help of the United States  Department of State, LGBT and other organizations.  We were led on a path where help was promised but no one came through. Their journey included a stint in South Africa, where they experienced extreme Xenophobia and endured more homophobia.

Mari and Cara’s Story:

After falling in love and seeing each other for some time, Mari and Cara’s parents found out they were in a lesbian relationship.  They were kicked out of their homes.  Mari’s mother invited them back and they thought her invitation was conciliatory.  However that night after eating a dinner cooked especially for them, they both became violently ill.  The food had been poisoned. They miraculously survived and fled to another part of Angola. However because of their appearance and perceptions by community they suffered extreme harassment and became targets, wherever they stayed.

Mari and Cara
Mari and Cara

As time went by the persecution heated up. Mari could not walk on the street without threats and derogatory comments. After they had rented a new apartment and started a small business, their circumstances soon became a matter of life and death.  The neighbors assumed they were lesbians and in a relationship. Their dog was poisoned, epithets were written on their walls, their business equipment was stolen and destroyed and they were told “we are going to rape and burn you.”

Survival became impossible.

Then the siege in earnest began; day and night for months.  Neighbors would cut off their electricity and the water supply and each time it was repaired it would happen again and again.  Neighbors prevented them from leaving the house. Groups of people would appear intermittently outside shouting slogans and threats.  Their food began to run out and they had to take risks to go on the streets in a nearby area to sell their belongings to survive. They had lost all ability to function normally and to work to sustain themselves.  They would take turns to sleep at night with a hatchet their only weapon.

Mari in Marin
Mari in Marin

As we spoke in the many late hours on Skype, I bore witness to the banging on the door, the threats, the mayhem on the street outside and their sheer terror. They taped images of the siege on a mobile phone, showing men lingering outside their apartment. One such video shows a man sitting for hours under their window, threatening them while exposing himself and masturbating.

There were times when the power would be cut in the midst of our Skype calls and I wondered if they had made it through the night.

They did not dare to call the police. Being gay could be interpreted as illegal under their country’s Penal Code. Their biggest fear was being detained by police and separated. Their country has a much feared police force renowned for its autocracy and corruption.

I sought help for them from various authorities including the U.S. Department of State, at the highest of levels.  I asked a few members of the LGBT community for ideas, solutions and for money.  I reached out to organizations asking if they had emergency funds. There was no help. There is no such thing as an asylum visa to the USA. Persecuted LGBT people have to find their way abroad, in circumstances where it is usually impossible to obtain visas and/or earn enough money for air tickets. The only other option is to become a UNHCR refugee in another African country, which has enormous hardship for lesbians who are advised to keep out of refugee camps.

Mari and Cara at Harvey Milk's statue in City Hall
Mari and Cara at Senator Feinstein’s statue in City Hall

After their first attempt at refuge in South Africa where it became evident that asylum was not an option,  after further hardship, they finally made their way, miraculously, to San Francisco.

While we have great talk of support of these very human rights issues from our President and our Secretary of State, very little has filtered down to those in urgent and desperate need and people like Mari and Cara have, in effect, had no help getting to the U.S.A.

The good news is now the couple is safe – here in West Marin and are overjoyed that they have finally found the opportunity to seek asylum and live as a regular couple, free to marry in the city of San Francisco. And so the date for this historic wedding to be held at San Francisco City Hall has been set.

However their needs are great.

Their current host accommodation expires in April and we are urgently seeking a place for them to stay in the East Bay or anywhere in the San Francisco Bay Area.  West Marin is remote and not conducive to a new life especially at the time when they are able to obtain work.

Lets not forget the bitter sweet heartbreak, as both Mari and Cara reflect back on the loss of family – and that is where we as a community must step in. We are their new family. We are asking all our friends, the faith based affirming community and the LGBTI community and allies to come out in full force to support Mari and Cara.

We have established a Wedding and Life Fund for Mari and Cara at

Please do what you can to spread the word – so that we can give Mari and Cara a warm LGBTI welcome, respite from their trauma, and a memorable wedding day. With much healing yet to come, and enormous work to conclude asylum applications – I have every faith that our religious and LGBTI communities will pull together to help them through the journey ahead – and what will still be months of great difficulty. Please help to make their wedding day magical!

Mari and Cara are afraid that notwithstanding the rejection and persecution by members of their families back home, they still fear homophobic stigma and reprisal against their families and so have chosen to use pseudonyms to protect them.

A huge big thank you to the Cooley Law firm for taking on this case, pro bono, with the solicitude, zest and passion it so deserves.

Please Contact Melanie Nathan – 

What we need:

Screen Shot 2015-04-10 at 8.32.37 AMScreen Shot 2015-04-12 at 9.31.52 AM

To donate please visit Indiegogo Fund at

  • Cash donations no amount too small;
  • Accommodations in a host home – one room needed;
    (If we can raise enough funds, they will be able to rent a room in the East Bay);
  • A laptop/I-pad/ Smart phone
  • wedding rings
  • wedding cake
  • wedding outfits
  • Linens,
  • 2 suitcases
  • Iron
  • Kettle
  • Toiletries
  • Volunteers and friends
  • Outings/meals/transport

10 thoughts on “Wedding for Asylum Seeking African Lesbian Couple at San Francisco City Hall

  1. Pingback: Marriage Equality Round-Up - April 1st
  2. Wow, what an incredible story! This is truly a testament to Mari and Cara’s love and commitment to each other. If I still lived in the East Bay, I would have taken them in, absolutely. Though their journey to asylum is not over yet, these two very brave women are an inspiration. I will share their story wherever I can and send them tons of positive thoughts. And thank you, Melanie, for all you do to help the LGBTI community.

  3. Pingback: Lesbian Asylum Couple Marry at San Francisco City Hall,PrideNation Magazine
  4. Pingback: Lesbian Asylum Couple Marry at San Francisco City Hall | Pride & Equality Post
  5. Pingback: Lesbian Asylum Couple Marry at San Francisco City Hall « CauseHub

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